A Regret

Last Summer, I did something that I've grown to deeply regret over the past six months. I didn't speak up even though I really felt like what I neglected to say was important. I feel like I sold myself short that evening by buckling to peer pressure and not saying precisely what was on my mind, so I'm hoping that in typing this out, some one out there will read it and not make the same mistake as I did.

I was at a church retreat with my youth group, and one night, a speaker who had the admiration of much of my group took to the stage. And it was good. I was following what he was saying and he was delivering what seemed to me to be a biblicly sound message, when he had his son brought onto the stage. Then he picked up his son, and talked for a while about how much he loved him. He finished by talking about Jesus's crucifiction and relating it to his relationship with his son. And that is where he lost me.

I understood that his intended message was to point out that God loved Jesus as much as he loved his son, yet God allowed Jesus to die for our sins, which is pretty awesome when you think about it. And yet, something inside of me felt so...icky about the idea that he was comparing himself to God (and by extension, his kid to Jesus), even if it was to prove an important point about God's love. No matter how "good" a life this guy led, I couldn't feel okay with the idea of him comparing himself to the One he worshipped as far greater than himself.  Long story short, the sermon didn't sit well with my conscience.

What sits even more badly with my conscience is what happened next. We went to a quiet place as a group to discuss the sermon, and as it turns out, everyone else in my group was able to get something out of it. I was the only person who didn't raise their hand when asked "Who liked tonight's sermon?" We went around the circle, everyone telling what they liked or didn't like about it. When it came my turn, I looked around at the other people there, all staring at me. I guess as the only preson to come away with a negative view of the sermon, they were curious about what I had to say about it. How could I tell them what I really thought about the same sermon they felt so inspired by without ruining it for them? I lost my nerve, and mumbled something about it being "needlessly harsh" for him to include his child in such a graphic way. It was only after I'd finished saying this that I'd realised that that hadn't been even close to my actual objection. I was, of course, greeted by a chorus of how the comparison was necessary to get the audience to relate.

I still don't know whether I was right to feel critical of what he had said, or whether the fact that I already had a slightly negative opinion of that particular speaker clouded my ability to think objectively about it. What I do know, is that I really should have shared my opinion even if it might have been a bit of a "downer" for everyone else there. Because I didn't say exactly what I wanted to, instead using the dumbest possible version of my argument, the other perspective on the situation was quickly brushed off and never really adressed. If anyone reading this is ever in the same situation as I was that day, please, don't worry about upsetting people and say whatever it is you're thinking. Even if no one agrees, you'll leave feeling that you represented yourself well.

Top Ten Things You Don't Want to Hear While Studying For Final Exams (and my would-be reactions)

10) Who cares? They're not worth that much, are they?
Ummm, actually...

9) Even if you ace this exam, I'm still going to think that you're an idiot.
Well, at least the feeling is mutual.

8)Why don't you just give up and apply at McDonald's? It's not like you're at all capable of passing this...
We'll see. Anger is a really good motivator.

7) Why don't you get smarter? Then you won't have to study so hard.
Because I haven't thought of that idea. Really. If you know of some way to achieve this that's not straight out of a Harry Potter book, I would be much obliged if you told me about it.

6) If you haven't started studying for my exam by now, you might as well not bother studying at all because you are going to fail anyway!
Thanks for the vote of confidence, I'm going to go start studying now.

5) Hey, wanna come on vacation to Hawaii with me? I'll pay for you, but we have to leave tonight...
I want to go more than you'll ever know. However, REALITY calls.

4) Oh, and that last paper you were supposed to write but I never assigned? Have it done for the day of your exam.
As if I didn't have enough to do already...thanks a billion!

3) I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves....
And this is how it goes...AUUGGHH! Curse you and your annoying songs of doom!!!

2) What are you talking about? Today's calculus exam is cumulative, the professor only said so half a dozen times...
...oh, crap...

1) Didn't you hear? That exam was moved to Saturday... Last Saturday.
...Holy crap!!!! Well, there goes my grade point average...

1 Down, 7 to Go...

Today was the last day of my first semester of my bachelor's degree, and I honestly thought that I'd be happier about it then I am... I mean, it means that I've made it, right? With only final exams left to do, and rather comfortable marks going in, the chances of me flunking out now are super slim (unless I do something like skip them, in which case I would deserve to flunk out for my own stupidity). And after that, I have the whole ten days leading up to Christmas to enjoy the holiday season, which is about a gazillion times better then the two to three days we would get in high school.

Even with all this going for the prospect of me being happy about my current situation, I can't help feeling a little bit sad. I think the main reason is that I know that the excitement of this past semester is forever in the past, now. Try as I might, there is not a chance of me meeting as many new people as I did this semester. And then there was the fun of making sure I looked great almost all the time (because, hey, I'll probably be meeting someone new today!). There was also the novelty of starting over, which, for me, was a completely new and amazing experience since I grew up in a small town and up until this semester have gone to school with the exact same people (and I never quite fit in).

But now I'm established. I know the halls of my university (almost) as well as I knew the halls of my high school last year. I've explored the school and its grounds, I've made some friends and we have chosen our hangout spot. I know exactly when I have to leave the house and about when I can expect to get home. In short, the routine's been set, and to be honest, I've had so much fun setting it up that I'm really sad it's over.

On the plus side, though, I accomplished my goal of never wearing sweatpants to school. =D