I'm Going For It

This post is not intended to be entertaining in any way, shape, or form. It's just me, venting all of the confusion that's been welling up inside of me for the past month or so. Basically, if you don't want to read a bunch of aimless ramblings, you should stop reading now.

I've been tormented lately.

You see, singing is the only thing I've ever felt truly passionate about. I don't know why this is (after all, I'd be so much better off pining over being an academic- at least it be an attainable goal for me), all I know is that all I want to do is sing. All the time. When I'm really happy, I'll belt out whatever the first song into my head is. When I'm really sad, I warble off-key though the tears.

What's more; I've noticed something. Whenever I go to any kind of concert (even the tiny ones my Social Studies teacher in high school sometimes held in the Atrium), I'll enjoy the show like everyone else, but I'm always left with this other, nagging, sensation.

This is what I should be doing with my life. Or so something deep down tells me. It almost feels like jealousy and it hits me like a brick every time I see anyone performing live (sometimes even karaoke will do it). Of course, to make a living at singing would be awesome, but I know how hard that is and how unlikely it is that it'd work out.

When I was 16 (and consequently fairly naive about that sort of thing), I felt a particularly strong version of this feeling during a Bluetree concert. It was such a strong sensation; I thought for sure that it was God's calling for me. I was so excited. I was positive that God was going to bring something huge out of it.

As the time passed, it didn't seem as though anything had happened...at least not in the way I'd expected. I was still a small part of the church worship team, instead of fronting some insane Christian music group like I'd expected. When I realised this, I was disappointed. But what I didn't realise is that over the years I'd gained something else...influence.

I've never really considered myself an influential person...to be honest, I still kind of pity the fool that would follow some one with as flawed a personality and sense of logic as me. And yet, people consider me a leader. Even I've been forced to notice that people will sometimes follow my example. And I hate the idea. I'm not qualified to lead, at least in my opinion. But God has put me in this position for some reason, and I don't think that it's to have a reggae-style church service like I've always secretly wanted to. The problem is that I'm not really sure where He wants me to go next.

That "music-is-all-I-want-to-spend-my-life-on" urge has been welling up inside me, stronger than ever recently, inflamed by the concert I was at a couple weeks ago. It got to the point where it has even made me a little depressed that I'm not already pursuing it actively. I've wondered whether God would give me such a strong desire and passion for music if I wasn't ever supposed to use it.

At the same time, I've been having tons of new ideas for ministries that could benefit the church and community. Seeing as I'm now apparently a leader (seriously, God? I'm probably one of the most timid people in the whole church- do you really want me to lead?), I'm in a decent position to set some of them into motion.

Recently, I've been corresponding with a friend from my church who is on a missions trip around the world (you can check out her blog here). We've delved pretty deep into spiritual matters and today she sent me an email saying that she'd prayed for me and that God had laid a message on her heart to give to me:

You will not fly if you don't step off the cliff. Trust me.

I'd never told her about my pipe dream of becoming a musician. In fact, I've really only started being more open about it recently. I've also never told her about any of my ministry ideas for our church, although she did point out to me once that people seem to look up to me for some reason. So, I obviously freaked out at this. After I calmed down a little bit, the inevitable question came up:

What did God mean by this? It could apply to either situation. I don't think I could lead. I don't think I could make a living singing. I need to trust God, but with what? I've decided to go after both. I intend to talk to the pastor about starting one of my better ideas this fall, and I've decided to enroll in voice lessons (for credit!) at school.

I'm still not really sure where God is leading me or whether my actions are the right ones, but I definitely need to make some sort of change. As it is, I'm getting up on the church stage a couple times a month, nonchalantly singing songs in a bad key, with no real training apart from when I used to play Rock Band with my family. I'm not sure where I'm going all I know is that I cannot stay still any longer.

I need to go for it.